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COACH'S TIPS
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How Our Unconscious Assumptions Affect Adult Relationships
by Carol A. Henry
Our first experience with love comes from our parents, and this interaction becomes the pattern for future romantic relationships. Children assume that their parents love them, so it's only logical that they come to see the way their parents treat them as loving behavior, even when that behavior is painful.
As a result, the child of an abusive parent will often marry an abusive spouse; someone who grew up with a constantly-criticizing parent is programmed to marry an unpleasable spouse; and the child of an adoring, indulgent parent will seek out and find an adoring spouse.
Even though romance is a different kind of love, we unconsciously assume that our mates or or lovers will want from us the same behavior that pleased our parents.
If your parent liked docile, obedient children, you'll probably find yourself acting that way, trying hard to "please" your lover, even if you're decisive and assertive in your career.
If your parents liked you best when you made good grades or excelled in sports, you may assume your spouse's love is contingent on your achievements.
If you had a stormy relationship with one of your parents, full of fighting and making up, you may be uncomfortable with a calm relationship, mistaking harmony for lack of interest.
How Our Unconscious Assumptions Affect Adult Relationships
by Carol A. Henry
Our first experience with love comes from our parents, and this interaction becomes the pattern for future romantic relationships. Children assume that their parents love them, so it's only logical that they come to see the way their parents treat them as loving behavior, even when that behavior is painful.
As a result, the child of an abusive parent will often marry an abusive spouse; someone who grew up with a constantly-criticizing parent is programmed to marry an unpleasable spouse; and the child of an adoring, indulgent parent will seek out and find an adoring spouse.
Even though romance is a different kind of love, we unconsciously assume that our mates or or lovers will want from us the same behavior that pleased our parents.
If your parent liked docile, obedient children, you'll probably find yourself acting that way, trying hard to "please" your lover, even if you're decisive and assertive in your career.
If your parents liked you best when you made good grades or excelled in sports, you may assume your spouse's love is contingent on your achievements.
If you had a stormy relationship with one of your parents, full of fighting and making up, you may be uncomfortable with a calm relationship, mistaking harmony for lack of interest.
Carol A. Henry • 3401 Bristol Road • Fort Worth TX • 76107
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Carol A. Henry, LPC, LMFT
Carol serves clients in the Dallas-Fort Worth area, where she works with individuals, couples, and families. She has facilitated training workshops for businesses, consciousness groups, as well as area recovery and church groups. Her counseling services include web-enabled video counseling. More information: www.carolahenry.com
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Love
Recent research sheds light on how childhood relationships with parents can affect adult romantic relationships. In one study:
· People who felt their parents had been especially loving, responsive and warm, were found to be securely attached as adults, having long-lasting, happy and trusting love relationships.
· Those who felt generally positive about their parents, but whose feelings changed as they aged, becoming harsher and more negative with time, were considered avoidant. They felt uneasy with closeness.
· People who had mixed feelings about their parents were found to be naxious adults who worried about loved ones leaving them.
· People who felt their parents had been especially loving, responsive and warm, were found to be securely attached as adults, having long-lasting, happy and trusting love relationships.
· Those who felt generally positive about their parents, but whose feelings changed as they aged, becoming harsher and more negative with time, were considered avoidant. They felt uneasy with closeness.
· People who had mixed feelings about their parents were found to be naxious adults who worried about loved ones leaving them.