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COACH'S TIPS
Toxic Families
by Carol A. Henry
Toxic parents are self-centered and self-serving, and always put their own desires ahead of their childrens' needs.
They may be emotionally dependent on their children, angrily abusive, emotionally aloof or simply narcissistic, but always they indulge themselves at their children's expense. They justify their actions with beliefs that children should always respect their parents no matter what, that children are parental property, and that children are forever indebted to their parents for giving birth to them and raising them.
Healthy families encourage individuality and personal responsibility, but toxic families tend to be enmeshed.
Instead of having individual ideas, preferences and beliefs, members of an enmeshed family are just part of the family mass. They are "one of the Smiths" rather than John or Mary. Everything they do is seen in terms of what the family thinks or how it will affect them. Whether the enmeshment is pleasant (the kind of connection that keeps family members close to home) or angry (family members are constantly at one another's throats), the result is that family members never become independent individuals.
The emotional equilibrium of toxic families is easily disturbed. When family members challenge unspoken family rules such as admitting strangers to the family circle or sharing family secrets, toxic families react aggressively to restore their sense of family order.
by Carol A. Henry
Toxic parents are self-centered and self-serving, and always put their own desires ahead of their childrens' needs.
They may be emotionally dependent on their children, angrily abusive, emotionally aloof or simply narcissistic, but always they indulge themselves at their children's expense. They justify their actions with beliefs that children should always respect their parents no matter what, that children are parental property, and that children are forever indebted to their parents for giving birth to them and raising them.
Healthy families encourage individuality and personal responsibility, but toxic families tend to be enmeshed.
Instead of having individual ideas, preferences and beliefs, members of an enmeshed family are just part of the family mass. They are "one of the Smiths" rather than John or Mary. Everything they do is seen in terms of what the family thinks or how it will affect them. Whether the enmeshment is pleasant (the kind of connection that keeps family members close to home) or angry (family members are constantly at one another's throats), the result is that family members never become independent individuals.
The emotional equilibrium of toxic families is easily disturbed. When family members challenge unspoken family rules such as admitting strangers to the family circle or sharing family secrets, toxic families react aggressively to restore their sense of family order.
Carol A. Henry • 3401 Bristol Road • Fort Worth TX • 76107
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Kids can't escape toxic families.
As an adult, though, you can refuse to continue to participate in dysfunctional family patterns. Changing toxic family patterns isn't easy; after all, they've been reinforced by many years of repetition.
But with determination and, often, professional help, you can create a more positie role for yourself in your family. Even if other family members don't change, you can teach them to treat you differently.
As an adult, though, you can refuse to continue to participate in dysfunctional family patterns. Changing toxic family patterns isn't easy; after all, they've been reinforced by many years of repetition.
But with determination and, often, professional help, you can create a more positie role for yourself in your family. Even if other family members don't change, you can teach them to treat you differently.
Toxic families use coping strategies such as....
Denial, such as a refusal to see a problem, and assurance that a problem will never happen again, or minimizing probelms, (e.g., Dad isn't an alcoholic; he's a social drinker)
Projection, which displaces responsibility for problems by assigning blame for one's own inadequacies or toxic behavior to others. (e.g., children bring father's abuse upon themselves)
Sabotage, The family may undermine members attempts to break away from the dysfunctional family by accusing them of being selfish, uncaring or crazy.
Manipulative alliances, in which family members must take sides in arguments or risk being branded a traitor. Some are formed to shift attention away from real problems onto one that doesn't threaten family balance. Parents who don't get along may focus their attention on a troubled child instead of on the tension between themselves in order to maintain their dysfunctional but familiar relationship.
Denial, such as a refusal to see a problem, and assurance that a problem will never happen again, or minimizing probelms, (e.g., Dad isn't an alcoholic; he's a social drinker)
Projection, which displaces responsibility for problems by assigning blame for one's own inadequacies or toxic behavior to others. (e.g., children bring father's abuse upon themselves)
Sabotage, The family may undermine members attempts to break away from the dysfunctional family by accusing them of being selfish, uncaring or crazy.
Manipulative alliances, in which family members must take sides in arguments or risk being branded a traitor. Some are formed to shift attention away from real problems onto one that doesn't threaten family balance. Parents who don't get along may focus their attention on a troubled child instead of on the tension between themselves in order to maintain their dysfunctional but familiar relationship.
© Carol A. Henry 2010 - Some rights reserved
Carol A. Henry owns all the rights to this material. This document and any part of it may not be republished, repackaged, and/or distributed in any way or for any purposes without express and prior written consent from Carol A. Henry or her legal representation.
You may, with the following credit, distribute this 100% unchanged article to your blog, website, or forum, or email list, providing you do not charge anything for this free information:
Carol A. Henry, LPC, LMFT
Carol serves clients in the Dallas-Fort Worth area, where she works with individuals, couples, and families. She has facilitated training workshops for businesses, consciousness groups, as well as area recovery and church groups. Her counseling services include web-enabled video counseling. More information: www.carolahenry.com
Carol A. Henry owns all the rights to this material. This document and any part of it may not be republished, repackaged, and/or distributed in any way or for any purposes without express and prior written consent from Carol A. Henry or her legal representation.
You may, with the following credit, distribute this 100% unchanged article to your blog, website, or forum, or email list, providing you do not charge anything for this free information:
Carol A. Henry, LPC, LMFT
Carol serves clients in the Dallas-Fort Worth area, where she works with individuals, couples, and families. She has facilitated training workshops for businesses, consciousness groups, as well as area recovery and church groups. Her counseling services include web-enabled video counseling. More information: www.carolahenry.com