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COACH'S TIPS
Toxic Relationships: Love Bandits and Trust Thieves
by Carol A. Henry
Toxic people can be charming, imaginative, intelligent, interesting, and exciting. They slip easily into the role of the perfect mate, and can seem to be everything you could want in a partner or friend. Skilled at courtship, they pursue the object of their desire with an intensity few can resist, for they excel at creating a feeling of “instant intimacy” and specialness. They have little trouble stealing hearts and winning trust.
However, once the relationship is established, their selfishness emerges and the roles shift. They begin to take more than they give, become increasingly callous and self-centered, and are irritated by your “demands” on their time and attention. They may react to anything they perceive as criticism or discipline with verbal or even physical abuse.
Rule: if you are giving more than they are, something is very wrong.
You can avoid toxic relationships if you remember to enter relationships with open eyes. Avoid the temptation to idealize new romantic partners; toxic personalities are adept at hiding their flaws.
Rule: if something or someone ‘looks perfect’, something is very wrong.
Make commitments cautiously.
Despite declarations of love and talk of future plans together, toxic personalities have difficulty conforming to the constraints of a committed relationship. They feel constrained by the normal interdependence of a relationship and interpret ordinary requests for consideration as attempts to control them.
Trust your intuition.
Don’t accept explanations of odd behavior that seem inadequate, and don’t dismiss intuition that tells you things aren’t quite right with your new mate. Discomfort and distrust are warning signals. Listening to your instincts could save you from a destructive relationship.
Too many times I hear people say after following one course, “I knew I shouldn’t have done that”? That means they got the signal and then didn’t follow it. Can you imagine any other animal in creation doing that? They would be dead!! The difference between us and all other animals is we have that extra something they do not: it is judgment.
With judgment comes 1) the ability to disregard our intuition unless we can explain it ‘logically’ and 2) the eagerness to judge
and convict our gut feelings rather than honor them. Can you imagine an animal spending any of its mental energy thinking, “it’s probably nothing”?
Instead of being grateful to have a powerful internal resource and grateful for the self care, we tend to ridicule our intuitive signals. Every day people engaged in defiance of their own intuition become victims of violence and accidents.
Rule: trust your intuition!
by Carol A. Henry
Toxic people can be charming, imaginative, intelligent, interesting, and exciting. They slip easily into the role of the perfect mate, and can seem to be everything you could want in a partner or friend. Skilled at courtship, they pursue the object of their desire with an intensity few can resist, for they excel at creating a feeling of “instant intimacy” and specialness. They have little trouble stealing hearts and winning trust.
However, once the relationship is established, their selfishness emerges and the roles shift. They begin to take more than they give, become increasingly callous and self-centered, and are irritated by your “demands” on their time and attention. They may react to anything they perceive as criticism or discipline with verbal or even physical abuse.
Rule: if you are giving more than they are, something is very wrong.
You can avoid toxic relationships if you remember to enter relationships with open eyes. Avoid the temptation to idealize new romantic partners; toxic personalities are adept at hiding their flaws.
Rule: if something or someone ‘looks perfect’, something is very wrong.
Make commitments cautiously.
Despite declarations of love and talk of future plans together, toxic personalities have difficulty conforming to the constraints of a committed relationship. They feel constrained by the normal interdependence of a relationship and interpret ordinary requests for consideration as attempts to control them.
Trust your intuition.
Don’t accept explanations of odd behavior that seem inadequate, and don’t dismiss intuition that tells you things aren’t quite right with your new mate. Discomfort and distrust are warning signals. Listening to your instincts could save you from a destructive relationship.
Too many times I hear people say after following one course, “I knew I shouldn’t have done that”? That means they got the signal and then didn’t follow it. Can you imagine any other animal in creation doing that? They would be dead!! The difference between us and all other animals is we have that extra something they do not: it is judgment.
With judgment comes 1) the ability to disregard our intuition unless we can explain it ‘logically’ and 2) the eagerness to judge
and convict our gut feelings rather than honor them. Can you imagine an animal spending any of its mental energy thinking, “it’s probably nothing”?
Instead of being grateful to have a powerful internal resource and grateful for the self care, we tend to ridicule our intuitive signals. Every day people engaged in defiance of their own intuition become victims of violence and accidents.
Rule: trust your intuition!
Carol A. Henry • 3401 Bristol Road • Fort Worth TX • 76107
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ARE YOU AN EASY TARGET?
Toxic personalities seem to have a special radar that hones in on people whose naivete, self-doubt, and low self esteem make them particularly easy to manipulate. You may be an easy target if you are…
• Gullible, naïve or idealistic
• Uncertain of your perceptions and look to others to validate your opinions
• Insecure and easily hurt by criticism or disapproval
However, toxic people instinctively know what such people need most and play upon their insecurities to get what they want.
Toxic personalities have a fatal flaw of their own: their grandiosity. They truly believe in their schemes and inflated self-image; it never occurs to them that they could be wrong or that their plans might be flawed. Thus, they are betrayed by their own over-confidence and self-deception.
Being alert to manipulative tactics can help you hold on to your self-confidence, self-esteem and even your sanity. Watch for red flags, such as:
• Arguments that promote self-doubt (“You’re just too sensitive.”)
• Too-good-to-be-true scenarios (“I’ll give you a really good deal”)
• Assurances of trustworthiness (“You can trust me.”)
• Disproportionate anger when confronted (“Are you accusing me of lying to you?”)
Toxic personalities seem to have a special radar that hones in on people whose naivete, self-doubt, and low self esteem make them particularly easy to manipulate. You may be an easy target if you are…
• Gullible, naïve or idealistic
• Uncertain of your perceptions and look to others to validate your opinions
• Insecure and easily hurt by criticism or disapproval
However, toxic people instinctively know what such people need most and play upon their insecurities to get what they want.
Toxic personalities have a fatal flaw of their own: their grandiosity. They truly believe in their schemes and inflated self-image; it never occurs to them that they could be wrong or that their plans might be flawed. Thus, they are betrayed by their own over-confidence and self-deception.
Being alert to manipulative tactics can help you hold on to your self-confidence, self-esteem and even your sanity. Watch for red flags, such as:
• Arguments that promote self-doubt (“You’re just too sensitive.”)
• Too-good-to-be-true scenarios (“I’ll give you a really good deal”)
• Assurances of trustworthiness (“You can trust me.”)
• Disproportionate anger when confronted (“Are you accusing me of lying to you?”)
© Carol A. Henry 2010 - Some rights reserved
Carol A. Henry owns all the rights to this material. This document and any part of it may not be republished, repackaged, and/or distributed in any way or for any purposes without express and prior written consent from Carol A. Henry or her legal representation.
You may, with the following credit, distribute this 100% unchanged article to your blog, website, or forum, or email list, providing you do not charge anything for this free information:
Carol A. Henry, LPC, LMFT
Carol serves clients in the Dallas-Fort Worth area, where she works with individuals, couples, and families. She has facilitated training workshops for businesses, consciousness groups, as well as area recovery and church groups. Her counseling services include web-enabled video counseling. More information: www.carolahenry.com
Carol A. Henry owns all the rights to this material. This document and any part of it may not be republished, repackaged, and/or distributed in any way or for any purposes without express and prior written consent from Carol A. Henry or her legal representation.
You may, with the following credit, distribute this 100% unchanged article to your blog, website, or forum, or email list, providing you do not charge anything for this free information:
Carol A. Henry, LPC, LMFT
Carol serves clients in the Dallas-Fort Worth area, where she works with individuals, couples, and families. She has facilitated training workshops for businesses, consciousness groups, as well as area recovery and church groups. Her counseling services include web-enabled video counseling. More information: www.carolahenry.com